Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
