I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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