We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
