dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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