If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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