I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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