Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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