Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
