State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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