How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
How drunk are you?
Completed.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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