wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
