Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
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