sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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