Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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