If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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