My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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