You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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