I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
