oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
if i died would you start the facebook group?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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