I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
