It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
