just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
me + whiskey = a bad person
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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