I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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