Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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