Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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