so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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