This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
