He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
