This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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