im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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