So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
