Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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