and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Randomize
