I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
