i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
