Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
