I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
