i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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