My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You are a genius and a whore.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
