I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
