Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
