Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
