I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
