Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
