i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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