I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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