If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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