You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
