I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
