I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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