He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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