i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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