Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
