just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
